Is Mediation Right for Me?

Even if you (or your spouse) don't feel ready to mediate, when you consider the financial and emotional costs of a contested divorce, mediation can be worth a try.  In fact, you may be required to attend mediation in a court-sponsored program before a judge will even hear your case.  In any case, consider your relationship with your spouse when considering mediation as an option. 

You are most likely to have a successful mediation experience if all or most of the following statements are true.

The Decision to Divorce Is Mutual:  Sometimes, the decision to divorce is mutual. Both spouses come to the conclusion, more or less at the same time, that the marriage is over. For other couples, the decision is more one-sided.  One spouse decides that a divorce is necessary, while the other spouse is unprepared for, and perhaps opposed to, the idea of getting divorced.
    
When the decision to divorce is mutual, spouses usually find it easier to begin working together on a settlement in mediation than they would if one spouse initiates the divorce.  Where one spouse makes the decision, it is natural for the other to resist cooperating with any requests to move along in the process, including a request to mediate.  This usually changes with the passage of time, so factor timing into your assessment of your readiness.  If the divorce was more one person's decision than the other's, more time may be needed before you begin mediating.
 
You Have No Desire to Reconcile:  If you and your spouse have accepted (however reluctantly) the reality of your separation's being permanent, and if neither one of you has an overwhelming desire to reconcile, then the odds are that each of you has reached an emotional point in the divorce when mediation can be productive. This doesn't mean you must rule out the possibility of reconciliation. But you do have to be ready to focus on what happens if you and your spouse don't get back together.
 
You Have Children or Are Otherwise Motivated to Stay on Good Terms With Your Spouse:  Spouses who want to remain on good terms with each other, either because they have children together or because of their own values, can use this motivation to get through the rough spots in negotiating and compromising during mediation.  It is not essential to a good mediation, but it certainly helps.

You Don't Blame Your Spouse or Can Control Your Animosity Toward Your Spouse:  Anger is natural during divorce, but doesn't necessarily have to undermine negotiations.  Mediation can still work by separating the parties during negotiation, so that you don't have to deal directly with your spouse.  However, if the level of animosity is go great that resolution is impossible even through separated meetings, you might find it helpful to work with a counselor on ways to keep this animosity in check while you go ahead with mediation.  Your mediator can refer you to local counselors who can help you control your anger suffiently to reach resolution.  

There are situations where mediation may not succeed.  Sometime, a party feels their spouse is entirely, or almost entirely, to blame for the divorce, and finds it hard to enter into any agreement in mediation that the spouse considers acceptable.  If you want your spouse to acknowledge and pay for his or her wrongdoing in some way, such as giving you the bulk of the marital property, mediation may not succeed, because your spouse may not be prepared to accept any blame, let alone pay for it in some tangible way.

You Understand the Financial Situation:  Financial issues are a big part of any divorce.  In order to negotiate a good financial settlement, you need to understand the financial reality with which you are working.  The mediation process can help you get a better handle on your financial situation, but the more you know to start with, and the more comfortable you are talking about financial matters, the more confident you will be going into mediation and the fewer surprises you'll encounter.  If you know very little about your joint finances and your spouse is very knowledgeable, you may feel at a disadvantage going into the mediation.

Your Spouse Has Not Lied to You About Anything Important:  If your spouse has lied to you in the relationship, you may need to take a close look at whether or not you can trust your spouse to be truthful and sincere during the mediation.  If your spouse has lied to you about an affair, you may understandably be afraid to believe anything your spouse tells you, especially if you only recently discovered the deceit. But this doesn't necessarily mean that your spouse will lie about other crucial aspects of the relationship, such as finances and property.

You Can Disagree With Your Spouse Without Saying or Doing Things You Later Regret:  If this statement is true, you have the ability to stand up for yourself during a conflict with your spouse without losing control of your own behavior.  You don't need to be perfect to have a good experience in mediation. After all, helping you communicate constructively is one of the mediator's main jobs.  But, if your emotional reactions to your spouse are so strong that even attempting this seems impossible, then mediation may not be the right thing for you just now.

You Are Not Easily Intimidated by Your Spouse:  In mediation, you will speak for yourself and negotiate your own agreement. If you find yourself easily intimidated in your spouse's presence, speaking up may be hard for you.  Practicing in mediation, with the coaching and support of the mediator, can help you get better at this, but you'll need a minimum level of self-confidence just to start the process.
 
Physical Violence Is Not an Issue in Your Relationship:  If physical violence is part of the relationship with your spouse, it may not be possible to keep the playing field level and tempers cool enough to negotiate an agreement directly in mediation.
 
Alcohol or Drug Abuse Is Not an Issue in Your Relationship:  An alcohol or drug problem can impair someone's ability to think clearly and make sensible decisions. It can also lead to out-of-control behavior.  This can undermine the success of any negotiation, whether it is conducted between lawyers or during mediation.
 
You Feel That Your Spouse Is Generally a Good Parent:  Mediation is usually considered one of the best ways for divorcing parents to negotiate agreements about their children. You can talk, parent to parent, about what is best for your children, rather than leaving the decisions up to strangers. Differences in parenting styles or the amount of time each of you spends with your children can be addressed in mediation.

However, if you and your spouse strongly disagree about the ability of one of you to take care of your children, you may not be able to negotiate an acceptable custody arrangement until that issue is fully evaluated. This is especially true if the problem you are concerned about is so serious as to constitute child abuse.  If your disagreement about parenting issues is so pervasive that you cannot agree about how to proceed, you may need to get things started through the court. For substantial, but less serious concerns, custody can be resolved in phases of mediation, where the couple consents to and agrees to abide by the recommendations of a Custody Evaluator. Custody Evaluators are neutral parties trained to evaluate and make recommendations on parenting plans that serve the best interests of the child[ren] in divorce cases.  You may be able to begin mediation, then return to complete negotiating an agreement after the evaluation phase is completed.  


Source:  http://articles.directorym.com/Divorce_Mediation-a935309.html